A friend of mine made me realize that I’ve never articulated my everyday Visual Warpings in text format. I’m glad she did! I haven’t written up anything for my Vocal Diary in a long time. The following is a rough-draft. A straight-forward writeup, with no more than a proofread to make sure it’s comprehensible. Re-writes and cleanups to come!
Okay. Writeup GO!!!
Ever since I was a child I’ve been afflicted with a peculiar condition. Now, this condition isn’t by any means crippling or cumbersome! It’s what I grew up with. It’s what was normal for me. In fact, it was so normal, that I assumed everybody had it. It wasn’t until the last couple of years that I started to realize that this was a very uncommon condition.
So what the hell is the “Condition" I’m talking about? It’s a bit hard to pinpoint, because there hasn’t been very much research on this. The most fitting name I can give you is HPPD, "Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder."
Ya see.. I See things, Feel things, and Hear things that “aren’t there.” The reason I say HPPD is “the most fitting” diagnosis, is because the general agreement is that this is caused by the usage of hallucinogenic drugs. LSD, Philocybin, MDMA, Mescaline, 2C-E, 2C-I, and Dextromethorphan. Which is inaccurate in my case.. I’ve never taken 2C-I!
Seriously though: I’ve been afflicted with this since I was a child. Far before ANY drug experimentation.
So what’s it like to see through my eyes? Well, I’m sure most of you have watched an old television that, for some reason, isn’t getting good reception (If you haven’t seen this, what are you, 8? Go read some Louis Sachar or something). Most people I know call this “Static,” or “Snow.” Well imagine that everything you see (especially in indoor/dimly lit areas) is covered in mildly BAD RECEPTION.
Again, I grew up with this! So MOOOOST of the time I don’t even notice it. And even when I DO take note of it, I wave it off pretty quickly… Because if I spent most of my time marveling this (non)oddity, then I wouldn’t get any-dang-thing accomplished!
Moving onto another constant “Hallucination” [For personal reasons, I’m gonna refer to ‘hallucinations’ as “Warpings”], lemme tell you about Texture Crawling!
Oooh boy oh boy! This is actually my favorite aspect of HPPD. Think TEXTURES! Any kind. Those tiny black dots on your bathroom tiles? HARDWOOD FLOORING? Those beautiful BUMPY CEILINGS? They all move around in their own distinct way!
-Those dots on your bathroom tiles move around like confused, lost insects. If I look directly at a dot, it stops moving, but all the dots in my Peripheral keep on truckin!
-With wooden floor-panels.. Look at the image-link above.. The patterns on every piece of wood slowly moves as if it’s a thin layer of colored sand! I’m looking at the picture now. It’s slithering downward, slowing down, wiggling to the side and twisting around a bit.. and then continuing its (stationary) journey downward again!
-But My personal favorite are the bumpy textured ceilings. I adore them so much! As a kid, I could just stare in one spot, and witness every single bump crawl around in my Peripheral vision. It was like watching a giant community of ants moving around with PURPOSE. But instead of walking in a line, they were scattered across the whole ceiling, and following eachother in patterns surrounding where my eyes focused.
-Oh, and god forbid I look up in the blue sky, and focus on the floater-like dots in my vision. Let it be known: that these, indeed, are NOT FLOATERS. It’s like having the entire sky infested with what I can only describe as “gnat swarms.” At one point, I actually stood and focused on them, I found that they’re actually billions of tiny white circles, with a very dim shade outlining it. So, unlike floaters, I can definitely focus on them if I try hard enough
These textured visions get MUCH more vivid and apparent when I am tired, hot, or exhausted (if I don’t sleep for 32+ hours, or if I mow lawns). Another warping that is affected by exhaustion is my Depth Perception!
I have several types of depth perception warpings happening at all times. But I’ll just explain one for now.
Okay, so when I look at any wall, chances are, it will start to slowly move away from me. If I keep staring, it will STILL crawl away from me. But the weird thing is, it doesn’t forever go into the distance.. It stays within a certain short distance, but always seems like its crawling away from me. Think of it like that optical illusion, the never-ending staircase!
The more trippy version of this is when I look up on a mildly cloudy day, and the sky quickly floats away from me. Hehe!
[ I’m skimming over a lot of the depth Warpings I have. Like: where it looks like something is crawling under the wall, like a cat moving around under a big blanket.. and when walls stretch, squish, and tilt like the Free-Transform tool in Photoshop.. and how pictures, windows, logos and even text on my computer can move around independently. Text never goes out of order! but they do lift and roam around in their own personal space ]
Okay, I need to conclude my depth-Warping portion of this writeup. Basically, much of the things that YOU look at as stationary walls, objects, and rooms.. I view more of an ever-moving OPTICAL ILLUSION.
I’mma try to cover the last Warping really quicklike! Something called “Ghosting.”
Have you ever been in a situation where you absolutely needed to stay awake, despite how utterly tired you were? You know, to the point where it’s the BATTLE OF THE CENTURY to just keep both eyes open. Well! when this happens, you usually experience some “double-vision.” It’s when you look at something, but one (or both) of your eyes are having trouble locking onto the object! Focusing on the air right in front of it, or looking right past it!
I have something pretty similar, looking at GHOSTING objects. But this usually only happens during times of extreme stress or insomnia.
I’d say “in conclusion,” but I don’t really have much of a point to this whole writeup. So I’mma give you a very late thesis statment, instead:
"I have grown up with hallucinations that most people view with sympathy, while giving condolences; funny enough, what bothered me about the aformentioned is how it took me more than TWO DECADES to realize that this isn’t a common thing that every person experiences."
-love to whomever reads <3